Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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