I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
