i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
