Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
