she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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