so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
