My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
pop tarts are not kleenex
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
