I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
