and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
