he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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