i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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