My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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