My liver just broke up with me...
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i drank out of a bidet.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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