I hate your face
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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