I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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