Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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