I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
