Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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