I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
