does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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