so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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