where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
