I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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