Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
