I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
