your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
