I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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