I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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