Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
