i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
