can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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