good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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