I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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