If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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