Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
