Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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