1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
