For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The air was thick with penises
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
