she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
