My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
