I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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