and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
