Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
