Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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