She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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