at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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