Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
