420 ftw
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
