you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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