he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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