Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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