Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
