The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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