I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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