Don't make out with my wife yet
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
