I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
