You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
