before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
