why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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