i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
